Your daily dose of Whatever!!
Melissa Rivers Asked Howard Stern to do Her Mother's Eulogy a Day and a Half Before the Service
HOWARD STERN says MELISSA RIVERS called him a day and a half before JOAN RIVERS' funeral and asked him to do the eulogy. And he took the responsibility very seriously . . . quote, "It was a lot of pressure because I wanted to come through for Melissa and come through for Joan."
Chris Rock Says Joan Rivers Was "The Hippest Comedian From the Time She Started to the Day She Died"
CHRIS ROCK says we shouldn't just talk about JOAN RIVERS as a female comedian, because she was one of the best ever. He says, quote, "No man ever said, 'Yeah, I want to go on after Joan.' No, Joan Rivers closed the show every night . . . She was the hippest comedian from the time she started to the day she died."
Denzel Washington and his Wife Were Once Mistaken for a Pimp and His Hooker
DENZEL WASHINGTON had a bad experience in Boston 30 years ago when his wife was doing a play there. In a hotel, someone mistook them for a hooker and her pimp and called security on them. And one night while he was walking to the play, someone called him "Boy" and the N-word.
Steve Harvey Failed a Lot Before He Made it Big
STEVE HARVEY failed a lot before he finally made it big. He says, quote, "I'm a college dropout, I flunked out of college . . . I've been divorced twice, I've been homeless, I lived in a car for three years . . . I've been bankrupt, I've lost all my money. I've been in tax trouble, you name it, I've been there, I've fallen. But faith is an amazing thing."
Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka are Gay Married!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and his longtime partner DAVID BURTKA got married Saturday in Italy. ELTON JOHN performed at the reception and KELLY RIPA was among the guests.
Did Britney Spears' Ex Cheat With a Mattress Actress Who's Worked With Ron Jeremy?
They say that when you have sex with someone, you're also having sex with everyone THEY'VE had sex with. If that's the case, then BRITNEY SPEARS has had sex with RON JEREMY.
That's because the woman her now-ex-boyfriend David Lucado allegedly cheated on her with is a MATTRESS ACTRESS by the name of CALI LEE.
And the Hedgehog is indeed one of the many men she's worked with in the adult industry.
Taylor Swift Hasn't Dated Since Harry Styles . . . And She's Not Having Sex Either
TAYLOR SWIFT says she hasn't been on a date since breaking up with HARRY STYLES over a year ago. And she doesn't hook up because, quote, "it's pointless if you're not in love." Meanwhile, Taylor admits her song "Bad Blood" is about her feud with another female singer, but she won't name names.
But then it all became clear . . . quote, "She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. I was like, 'Oh, we're just straight-up enemies.'"
Judge Judy Had Sexy Photos of Herself . . . But She Tore Them Up So We'd Never See Them
JUDGE JUDY admits she's taken some naughty photos in her day, but they no longer exist. On "The Talk" yesterday she said, quote, "I cut up all those pictures that I didn't want to see floating around, because you have to be smart enough to say if you don't want to revisit something."
Sexy Pictures of Famous People
1. (NC-17) Since MILEY CYRUS wasn't part of that mega-leak of naked celebrity photos, here's a topless shot from a recent magazine shoot.
2. (NC-17) JENNIFER ANISTON's nipples made an appearance at the premiere of her latest movie "Cake".
3. Despite what the idiots at this website claim, KESHA actually looks damn good in a one-piece bathing suit. In fact, I think she's ready to graduate to a bikini.
4. RITA ORA split her pants, revealing the THONG underneath.
5. Check out a new gallery of celebrities Photoshopped to look like normal people. JON HAMM is particularly hilarious.
6. Here's KENDALL JENNER on a runway, wearing a bikini with her buttcheeks hanging out.
Tuesday TV Reminders:
• The seventh and final season premiere of "Sons of Anarchy" . . . from 10:00 P.M. to 12:30 A.M. on FX.
• The fourth season finale of "Extreme Weight Loss" . . . 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on ABC.
• "Fashion Rocks" . . . 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on CBS. The performers are Afrojack, the Band Perry, Duran Duran, Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Hudson . . .
Jennifer Lopez, KISS, Luke Bryan, Magic!, Miranda Lambert, Nico and Vinz, Nicki Minaj, Pitbull, Rita Ora, and Usher. Ryan Seacrest is the host.
• "America's Got Talent" . . . 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on NBC. The Top 12 perform.
• The series premiere of "If Loving You is Wrong" . . . 9:00 to 11:00 P.M. on OWN. A new "Desperate Housewives"-type drama from the mind of Tyler Perry.
• "Face Off" . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on Syfy. The artists create horror villains from the original movie posters.
• The second season finale of "Hotel Hell" . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on Fox.
Tonight's Late Night Talk Shows:
• "The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon" - Keith Richards, and Debra Messing.
• "Late Night with Seth Meyers" - Jeff Goldblum, and author Jeff Kluger.
• "Letterman" - Michael Strahan, Richard Branson, and Interpol.
• "Jimmy Kimmel" - Bill Hader, Richard Linklater, and Jhene Aiko.
• "Carson Daly" - Comedian Dave Attell, and the band You Won't. (Repeat)
• "Conan" - Anna Faris, Wiz Khalifa, and John Hodgman from "The Daily Show".
• "Craig Ferguson" - Julie Chen, and Louie Anderson.
• "Jon Stewart" - Senator Kirsten Gillibrand.
• "The Colbert Report" - Jason Segel.
"Captain America: The Winter Soldier" and "Marvel's Agents of "S.H.I.E.L.D." Are Out on DVD
Here's what's new on DVD today:
• "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" . . . starring Chris Evans as Steve Rogers, Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, Robert Redford as the head of S.H.I.E.L.D., Anthony Mackie as the Falcon, and Sebastian Stan as the Winter Soldier.
• "Brick Mansions" . . . The last movie Paul Walker completed before his death. It's set in the future where part of Detroit is walled off to contain the worst criminals. He's a cop who teams up with an ex-con to go after a drug dealer played by RZA.
• "A Long Way Down" . . . Pierce Brosnan's suicide attempt is interrupted by three other people who want to jump off the same roof on New Year's Eve . . . Toni Collette, Imogen Poots, and "Breaking Bad's" Aaron Paul.
• "Palo Alto" . . . starring Emma Roberts a shy high school girl who starts an illicit affair with her soccer coach, who's played by James Franco.
• "Words and Pictures" . . . Clive Owen is an English teacher who challenges an art teacher to a competition . . . with her painting set against his 1,000-word essay on the same subject, so students can judge which is more powerful: words or pictures.
• The first season of "Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." . . . the fifth season of "The Vampire Diaries" . . . the ninth season of "Supernatural" . . . the third season of "Homeland" . . . the first season of "The Goldbergs".
Here's what's new in the past week to Netflix Instant Streaming:
• "All Is Lost" stars Robert Redford as a guy lost at sea during a storm.
• The first season of "The Blacklist" . . . starring James Spader.
New CDs from Robert Plant, Michelle Williams, Jhene Aiko, and Lee Brice
• "Lullaby and . . . The Ceaseless Roar", Robert Plant
• "Dream Your Life Away", Vance Joy
• "Goddess", Banks
• "Souled Out", Jhene Aiko
• "Journey to Freedom", Michelle Williams
• "Adrian Thaws", Tricky from Massive Attack
• "Ryan Adams", Ryan Adams
• "The Physical World", Death from Above 1979
• "El Pintor", Interpol
• "Siren Charms", In Flames
• "Into the Wide", Delta Spirit
• "Ritual in Repeat", Tennis
• "Madman", Sean Rowe
• "Single Mothers", Justin Townes Earle
• "I Don't Dance", Lee Brice
• "Where It's At", Dustin Lynch
• "Some Songs", Terri Clark
•"Brothers Osborne", a five-song EP from country newcomers Brothers Osborne.
Five Random Facts For Tuesday
1. Humans can't catch HORSE HERPES . . . but they can carry it and transmit it from one horse to another. It's not a bestiality thing . . . it can happen through doing medical procedures on horses, like assisting with births.
2. Until now, it only cost $450 to renounce your U.S. citizenship. But the price jumps WAY up this week, to $2,350.
3. 63% of people aged 18 to 30 don't have a credit card.
4. The people most likely to take sick days are the ones who sleep less than five hours a night . . . or the ones who sleep 10 hours or MORE a night.
5. You could last about 15 seconds in space without a space suit and helmet before you'd go unconscious . . . but you could stay alive for up to three minutes.
If You Buy the New iPhone, Expect Your Cell Phone Bill to Go Way Up
With every new iPhone, the amount of data people use doubles. The average iPhone user goes through 1.4 gigabytes of data a month now . . . so it should jump to almost three gigabytes with the iPhone 6. And that means your cell phone bill is probably going to go way up if you buy the new iPhone.
If You Were a King or Queen, What Crazy Thing Would You Do?
If you were suddenly named the KING or QUEEN of America, what would you do with the power? 46% of people say the craziest thing they'd do would be marrying a commoner . . . 14% would walk around the palace naked, just wearing the crown jewels . . . and 4% would consider BEHEADING their spouse.
The Average Mom Does 42 Jobs Every Day . . . and Half of Them Are Before 9:00 A.M.
A new survey found the average mother does 42 jobs every day . . . and half of them are before 9:00 A.M. The jobs that make pretty much every mom's list are getting the kids out of bed, preparing and cleaning up after meals, laundry, and vacuuming.
Restaurant Workers on the Five Dumbest Customers Ever
Here are some stories from restaurant workers about the dumbest customers they ever had. One woman asked if "fat free" meant she wouldn't have to pay for the fat. And another woman got mad when a waiter suggested pizza, because she was "allergic to crunchy."
A Guy Named "Jose" Changed His Name to "Joe" on Job Applications . . . and Started Getting Interviews
A guy in California named Jose Zamora wasn't getting any job offers, so he changed ONE LETTER on his resume . . . instead of Jose Zamora he put his name as JOE Zamora. And THEN the responses started flooding in. He says, quote, "I don't think people even know that they're judging . . . but I think we do it all the time."
A Guy Built a Replica of His Living Room in a Kennel, So His Dog Would Feel More at Home
A guy in Norway went on vacation recently, and was worried about his dog being alone in a kennel. So he built a replica of his LIVING ROOM in the cage, complete with a couch, rug, coffee table, and even painted the WALLS the same color.
Kelsey Chow is 23. Sexy Mikayla on the Disney Channel's "Pair of Kings".
Hunter Hayes is 23. Country singer who can say he was once one of "America's Most Talented Kids".
Julie Gonzalo is 33. Rebecca Ewing on "Dallas" . . . the wife of Christopher Ewing, and daughter of J.R.'s arch-enemy Cliff Barnes.
Michelle Williams is 34. Nailed Heath Ledger in "Brokeback Mountain" . . . nailed Heath Ledger in real life . . . gave birth to Heath's bastard lovechild . . . broke up with Heath Ledger . . . let Heath Ledger die.
Michael Bublé is 39. Beautiful young crooner who used to give it to Emily Blunt REAL good. Now he nails Argentine actress Luisana Lopilato . . . and Emily is giving it to John Krasinski from "The Office".
Goran Visnjic is 42. Croatian actor who played Croatian Dr. Luka Kovac on "ER". Also spawned a Croatian love child outside his Croatian marriage.
Eric Stonestreet is 43. Cameron, the chubby half of the gay couple on "Modern Family". He's straight in real life, while the dude who plays Mitchell is openly gay.
HENRY THOMAS! is 43. Elliott in "E.T."!
Rachel Hunter is 45. Rod Stewart's heartbreaking chubby ex.
ADAM SANDLER is 48. When you go to his movies, you rarely laugh. But HE laughs at YOU. All the way to the bank.
Related Comedy: Adam Sandler turns 48 today. His sense of humor turns 8.
Constance Marie is 49. George's hot wife Angie on "The George Lopez Show". Now she stars on the ABC Family show "Switched at Birth".
Hugh Grant is 54. Loves the Brown Sugar, just LOVES it.
Related Comedy: Hugh Grant is 54 today. It's expected that several times at his party Grant will stutter, look embarrassed and then hand-comb his floppy hair out of his face.
Angela Cartwright is 62. Penny Robinson on "Lost In Space".
Dave Stewart is 62. Eurythmics. He used to nail Annie Lennox real good.
TOM WOPAT! is 63. Luke Duke on "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and U.S. Marshal Gill Tatum in "Django Unchained"! Luke Duke was good friends with Cooter. Do you enjoy cooter? I DO!
Doug Ingle is 68. Singer and keyboardist for Iron Butterfly. In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida!
Topol is 79. He IS the Fiddler on the Roof.
Billy Preston would have been 68. (1946 - 2006) THE FIFTH BEATLE. He played with the Fab Four on "Get Back" and "Don't Let Me Down". He even sang "Get Back" in that horrible "Sgt. Pepper" movie starring the Bee Gees. He also sported a GIANT afro, AND was a big fan of cocaine.
Otis Redding (1941 - 1967) R&B legend. Died in a plane crash during the time he was recording "Sittin On The Dock Of The Bay". He was only 26.
Colonel Sanders (1890 - 1980) Kentucky Fried Chicken genius. His restaurant is the one where you can eat chicken without offending your gay friends. (You can criticize his methods all you want, but I say it's the CRUELTY that makes it taste so good.)
Neil Hamilton (1899 - 1984) Commissioner Gordon in the 1960s TV series starring the One True Batman, Adam West.
Countdown to Upcoming Events
• 2 days to National Day of Service
• 10 days to Talk Like a Pirate Day
• 23 days to Int'l Day of Non-Violence
• 26 days to World Teachers Day
• 37 days to World Food Day
• 864 days left of "Hope and Change"
164 years ago . . . In 1850, CALIFORNIA ("The Golden State") became the 31st state in the Union.
130 years ago . . . In 1884, St. Louis frankfurter vender (slash) genius Antoine Feuchtwanger stopped giving away a white glove with each frank. Instead, he put them in long buns . . . creating the FIRST HOT DOG.
64 years ago . . . In 1950, the sitcom "The Hank McCune Show" became the first TV show to use a RECORDED LAUGH TRACK.
58 years ago . . . In 1956, ELVIS PRESLEY made the first of his three appearances on the "Ed Sullivan Show". He sang "Love Me Tender", "Hound Dog", "Don't Be Cruel" and "Ready Teddy".
Gorgeous and provocative "E" was shot from the waist up, so that his gyrating hips and tingling genitalia did not offend the television audience. 82.6% of the nation tuned in.
The "New York Times" reported: "When Elvis executes his bumps and grinds, it should be remembered by CBS that even a 12-year-old's curiosity might be over-stimulated."
(My grandmother told me she became moist. I LOVE YOU GRANDMA! AND I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU STILL LET POP-POP TAKE YOU FROM BEHIND!)
47 years ago . . . In 1967, SAM & DAVE'S classic, "Soul Man" was released. (FYI: The late, great ISAAC HAYES wrote the song.)
43 years ago . . . In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security ATTICA Correctional Facility near Buffalo, New York, beginning a psychotic man-on-man siege that claimed 43 low-lives. (ATTICA!) (ATTICA!) (ATTICA!)
43 years ago . . . In 1971, JOHN LENNON'S album "Imagine" was released. It was the same day that John and SUCCUBUS YOKO appeared on the MOST AMAZING talk show EVER . . . "The Dick Cavett Show"!
(No, YOU shut up! How do you know "The Dick Cavett Show" WASN'T the most amazing talk show ever? You DON'T . . . and YOU SUCK!)
36 years ago . . . In 1978, U2 opened for the amazing band The Stranglers at the Top Hat Ballroom outside of Dublin.
The Stranglers took up two dressing rooms . . . so U2 had to dress behind their amps. The Stranglers are now probably strangling their puds in a Dublin back alley, wallowing in their feces, failure and Guinness-laden regurgitation.
30 years ago . . . In 1984, bad-ass tennis god JOHN MCENROE defeated his foreigner-type rival, IVAN LENDL, in straight sets to win the U.S. Open.
23 years ago . . . In 1991, MIKE TYSON was indicted on rape charges.
22 years ago . . . In 1992, at MTV's 9th annual Video Music Awards, VAN HALEN'S "Right Now" won Best Video. During the show, ELTON JOHN sang "The One" and then later joined GUNS 'N ROSES on "November Rain". FYI: Elton John prefers peen to poon.
19 years ago . . . In 1995, for some reason, the amazing CHYNNA PHILLIPS married the mediocre WILLIAM "DON'T CALL ME BILLY NO MORE" BALDWIN. Today is their 19th Anniversary.
17 years ago . . . In 1997, succulent BURGESS MEREDITH died of the Alzheimer's at age 88. He played the Penguin on "Batman", Mickey in the first three "Rocky" movies and Jack Lemmon's hilarious dad, Grandpa Gustafson, in "Grumpy Old Men".