As someone who has a back yard full of fat, dumb squirrels, I appreciate the effort to get rid of them, by any means necessary.

A Man Simply Asked For Help Getting Rid Of The Annoying Squirrels In His Yard

The request posted to the Grand Rapids subreddit was simple, 'Best Legal Options To Getting Rid Of Squirrels In My Yard'

He stated that the squirrels were trashing his bird houses, and digging up bulbs. He wondered if there a safe way to get rid of them.

And sure, some people offered actual help like traps, motion sensor lights or getting a dog.

But many saw it as a vehicle to poke fun at the constant and unrelenting douche-baggery of the common Michigan brown squirrel.

Trac Vu via Unsplash
Trac Vu via Unsplash

The General Observation Was Michigan Squirrels Are Criminals

kole616 told the man it was squirrel eat squirrel out there and you have to stoop to their level:

Prison rules. Find the biggest one and challenge him to a fight. Loser vacates the yard. Better start training. West Side squirrels are gnarly and give zero f**ks.

ThisMuchIsTrue revealed he's fought for backyard territory and LOST:

Dude, no joke. I have a slingshot (and a pretty good aim) and I s**t you not, I've been face to face, close enough to reach out and grab the squirrel, and it just sits there on the top of my fence eating it's alley pizza ( true story ) like I'm not about to pop it off with a rock. I've also hit them with said rocks and they just stop and look at me like, "WTF did you just do that for?!?"

Andrey Svistunov via Unsplash
Andrey Svistunov via Unsplash

Legal Options And Attempts To Make Them Flee

sidedishx said a good lawyer might help:

An eviction attorney specializing in rodent law can provide you the best legal options for evicting unwanted tenants from your property.

Pink_pony4710 tried fighting fire with fire, only to lose:

We put up an owl house to try and encourage a natural predator to move in but we now have a family of squirrels living in it unfortunately. I think trapping and relocating or euthanizing is only a temporary solution. You’ll just end up with new squirrels moving in. Sorry no good advice.

dcwsaranac thought that you could bribe them with treats:

Corn, nuts, seeds...In your neighbor's yard.

Lasers, a moat with a shark, and playing the music of The Chipmunks loud were other suggestions to eliminate the bushy tailed bandits.

A Final Solution?

But the big question came from stuntbum42, who, following the tact of my listeners who constantly phone in to tell me a pellet gun is a rodent haters best friend (and apparently it's legal):

Is shooting them with a pellet gun illegal?

To which salmonnsalad responded:

My dog maimed a squirrel once so I called animal control and said it's totally fine to shoot them with a pellet gun to put it down... the squirrel that is.

Good luck squirrel hunting!!

Me? I gave up.

House Of The Cat Lady

More From Mix 95.7