I've never been good at filling these things out, but here it goes. I like long walks in cold mountain air, preferably with snow on the ground. I enjoy drinking fine soda by the crackling fire, and deep tissue massage. I hope to one day grow up an become and astronaut, so I can fly to Venus to see if that's really where women come from. If it's true, I'll bring one back for you, too. Unless it's a dude you want, and then you're out of luck...sorry. My favorite month is October, because Halloween is the best holiday ever! It allows me to openly proclaim my love and obsession with scary movies without being seen as some sort of lunatic. Okay, not too much of a lunatic. I'm a huge fan of rock and metal music, and you'll often hear me blasting the control room speakers into oblivion every night during my show. My engineer doesn't like me very much, since he has to fix them. Sorry, Mike.
Johnnie Walker
Michigan High School Runners Disqualified for Not Matching Undies
Why, you ask? Because he was the first place finisher for their team. This means that his underwear set the rule requirement for the rest of the team. THIS IS NOT EVEN A JOKE.
You’re Mad at the Wrong George Papadopoulos – Stop It
So many people are mad at George Papadopoulos for lying to federal agents who were investigating ties between the Trump campaign and the Russians. I mean, really REALLY mad.
There's only one problem.
Bay City Swingers Party Erupts Into Assault By Minivan
The wife was arrested, and of course she was well over the legal BAC, blowing a 0.156.
BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!
Shirtless Muskegon Man Abandons Baby to Steal a Crane for Mayhem
A shirtless man broke into a work site this morning, stole a crane, and began driving it around, smashing fences and light poles, while his 2-month-old baby lay unattended nearby.
This Whackadoo is Claiming the World Will End This Saturday – Hope You Don’t Have Big Plans
There's a Christian Numerologist named David Meade who's claiming that his "math" is showing that the earth will end this Saturday, September 23rd.
Guaranteed.
Detroit Tigers Kick Out Bachelor Party Dressed as Magnum P.I.
What do moustaches, Hawaiian shirts, 80's TV, and baseball have in common? Not as much as you think!
Can’t Go Outside? Watch the Eclipse Live Right Here!
Open the live stream above, and watch the eclipse without burning out your eyes. It's perfectly safe, and if you're trapped inside at work, you won't miss out on the whole spectacle.
Kentuckians Planning a Protest of Monday’s Solar Eclipse – Not Even Kidding
You read that right. The eclipse is too popular a topic, and that pisses them off. They feel it detracts from any focus on coal.
Traverse City Woman Arrested Because She Wouldn’t Stop Dancing
In Traverse City, a 23-year-old woman was arrested for non-stop move busting.
MOVE Systems is MOVE-ing Their Manufacturing from China to Grand Rapids
MOVE Systems, a company that makes eco-friendly mobile food carts, and other food service equipment, is making a $13 million investment in Grand Rapids! They're bringing their manufacturing to Walker, from China, which also brings jobs!
Should a Sex Offender Be Allowed to Open a Business Next to a Toy Store?
In Battle Creek, there's a man who's on the Sex Offender list who wants to open up a Food Auction store to "help the community". But people in the neighborhood are a bit upset, and don't want him to be able to. Because his store would be right next door to a toy store, and only a few blocks from a school.
President Trump Declared a Disaster for Four Michigan Counties
Today, President Trump did something good for Michigan. Lots of places in Michigan got severely flooded in June from the storms, and now that they've been declared disasters, those counties can get more money to rebuild!